A Long Moment, Indescribably Sad

WARNING: This is an emotional post, and contains opinions that could be inflammatory to theists and the religious in general. I apologize for that. It is not my intention to hurt anyone. My opinions are my own, and I will not force them upon anyone. At the same time, I will not shy away from my true feelings. Please feel free to avoid the paragraph that begins "I am glad that my friend has religion." to skip this content. 

Children, rejoice in the deaths of your parents. Parents, be at peace when you close your eyes, and know that it is appropriate for you to have a beginning and an end. I am blessed to have witnessed my mother's passing as a child, with community and spirituality to give me context and meaning. I am not scarred for having this experience - in fact I am enlivened, for never have I labored under the illusion that I go on, and having met death, I have no reason to fear it. It is normal, good and beautiful for each of us to deal with the deaths of our parents.

This morning, just before I left for work, I learned that the child of a friend of mine from Cleveland had died, only months old, after spending her short life in the hospital with serious health problems. My heart broke instantaneously, and all I could do for a moment was cry. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. Backwards. Perverted. I have deep fundamental pain in my soul on behalf of this dear mother, and I know that my pain is but a sliver of hers. How can I go on to my day if a mother has lost her child? This is NOT the way of the world, it is NOT the cycle of life, and I am at a loss to see any context or meaning to this moment.

If there was someone or something I could hate for this death, I would. If there was anything I could do or say to help my friend, I would, but what is there? I, for better or for worse, am still here, and fucked up as it is right now, life goes on. I'm not okay with that, but what the fuck can any of us do? I went to work, I was polite to everyone, and I took care of today's responsibilities. Fuck that. We should all be weeping.

I am glad that my friend has religion. She is a christian, and believes in heaven. It is good that she has that belief to turn to today, and there's a part of me that wishes I had thoughts of heaven to comfort me. However, my spiritual thoughts today are ugly, and reinforce why I reject the idea of an anthropomorphic other-god. If there was a god who loved this family and who had any power at all to intervene, today would have been a day of healing and not of grief. From my perspective, clearly no such being exists. If one does, though, I am loath to worship such a being if it will not prevent any parent from seeing their child die.

If I had my way, this would never, ever happen again. In my world, all parents die at ripe old ages surrounded by children with whom they have made peace. This is not my world, though, and I will not have my way. I can do nothing to stop the wheel from turning backwards sometimes. All I can do is cry and mourn with my friend, and with all the parents out there who have ever lost their child. My heart is broken in my hands today, and I am handing it to you.

PJ Harvey "Is This Desire?" Commentary

Rarely have I heard an artist find her own voice as strongly or as clearly as Polly Harvey does on "Is This Desire?" This band has never lacked for originality, but this record shows such breadth of style and mood as to keep the listener guessing in a big way. To a certain extent, this effect is unsettling; I don't feel like I can trust Polly. She's both spilling her soul and playing devil's advocate on this album, and seemingly both at once sometimes. Case in point:  "The River" showcases Harvey's vulnerable side as she tells the story of a search for redemption. The choruses offer the seeker some relief, but the mournful horns remind us there must be a price. I want to believe she is singing about a place of peace, but I can't help but think she is singing about oblivion instead. This is a powerful use of Harvey's voice: to lyrically send the listener in one direction while tonally creating doubt and suspicion.

When I say that Harvey has found her voice, what I mean is this: her influences are no longer clear and nobody else sounds like her. This is a mixed blessing. On one hand, this album is undeniably masterful and exquisitely well-crafted. On the other hand, I recognize some of the song-crafting techniques we've heard in the band's previous releases, which means that Harvey has only partially met her goal of not repeating herself. That's not to say that any of these songs would have fit on any of their previous albums, but more to note that some of them sound like the maturation of musical ideas the band introduced on those albums.

However, "Is This Desire?" very much features PJ Harvey expanding their repertoire of instrumentation. We hear guitars on nearly every song, but they're always processed through various effects, which is great fun. There's also a plethora of electronic noises spread all throughout this album. These sounds are wonderful: they're textured, unique and rhythmic, and they reflect Harvey's continued courage in embracing new styles. "Joy" brings the guitars and the electronics together to create a gothic, almost industrial dirge. On this song, Harvey's voice sounds like strength through pain. This is part of the distinctive power of that voice: she faces emotional darkness seemingly fearlessly. In doing so, she sets a high bar for the listener. She will tell us sincerely of her soul, but we have to accept all sides thereof.

Here is the payoff for facing the darkness: when PJ Harvey rocks, they ROCK. "The Sky Lit Up", "No Girl So Sweet" and "A Perfect Day Elise" (my personal favorite) are all full of melodic fury. They're very listenable, and they highlight another facet of Harvey's having found her voice: With nothing to prove, and their rock cred established, PJ Harvey really tone down the abrasiveness on this album. All of these songs are quite accessible, well produced, and worth revisiting over a number of listens.

"Is This Desire?" continues PJ Harvey's tradition of pushing their limits musically, and what this means is that this record achieves a very difficult goal: it balances the sophistication of experienced artists with the raw newness of working with new instruments and new styles. Thus, the band sounds both confident and hungry and the energy of this record lingers on.