WARNING: This is an emotional post, and contains opinions that could be inflammatory to theists and the religious in general. I apologize for that. It is not my intention to hurt anyone. My opinions are my own, and I will not force them upon anyone. At the same time, I will not shy away from my true feelings. Please feel free to avoid the paragraph that begins "I am glad that my friend has religion." to skip this content.
Children, rejoice in the deaths of your parents. Parents, be at peace when you close your eyes, and know that it is appropriate for you to have a beginning and an end. I am blessed to have witnessed my mother's passing as a child, with community and spirituality to give me context and meaning. I am not scarred for having this experience - in fact I am enlivened, for never have I labored under the illusion that I go on, and having met death, I have no reason to fear it. It is normal, good and beautiful for each of us to deal with the deaths of our parents.
This morning, just before I left for work, I learned that the child of a friend of mine from Cleveland had died, only months old, after spending her short life in the hospital with serious health problems. My heart broke instantaneously, and all I could do for a moment was cry. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. Backwards. Perverted. I have deep fundamental pain in my soul on behalf of this dear mother, and I know that my pain is but a sliver of hers. How can I go on to my day if a mother has lost her child? This is NOT the way of the world, it is NOT the cycle of life, and I am at a loss to see any context or meaning to this moment.
If there was someone or something I could hate for this death, I would. If there was anything I could do or say to help my friend, I would, but what is there? I, for better or for worse, am still here, and fucked up as it is right now, life goes on. I'm not okay with that, but what the fuck can any of us do? I went to work, I was polite to everyone, and I took care of today's responsibilities. Fuck that. We should all be weeping.
I am glad that my friend has religion. She is a christian, and believes in heaven. It is good that she has that belief to turn to today, and there's a part of me that wishes I had thoughts of heaven to comfort me. However, my spiritual thoughts today are ugly, and reinforce why I reject the idea of an anthropomorphic other-god. If there was a god who loved this family and who had any power at all to intervene, today would have been a day of healing and not of grief. From my perspective, clearly no such being exists. If one does, though, I am loath to worship such a being if it will not prevent any parent from seeing their child die.
If I had my way, this would never, ever happen again. In my world, all parents die at ripe old ages surrounded by children with whom they have made peace. This is not my world, though, and I will not have my way. I can do nothing to stop the wheel from turning backwards sometimes. All I can do is cry and mourn with my friend, and with all the parents out there who have ever lost their child. My heart is broken in my hands today, and I am handing it to you.
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