Thoughts on Being a New Parent

I'm just about to finish paternity leave and go back to work. Of course, paternity leave has been a profound time for me, and being a new parent is expanding my perceptions. Here are some things I have learned during this experience.

1. Breastfeeding is a shitload of work, and our culture does not value or recognize this work enough. It’s been quite lovely to watch Dana practice the art of breastfeeding, but damn, does she have to do it all the time. It’s amazing because it’s relentless work that takes patience and gentleness and the payoff is just as relentless. The relationship between food, growth and excretion is really clear right now, and it’s powerful (in a messy, smelly way) to see that relationship develop. So cheers to breastfeeding moms, who should be counted as heroes.¹


2. The stability of our relationships really helps make this easier. Figuring out what to do with this baby is testing our marriage. I am grateful that Dana and I have established habits of communication and compromise, as we have relied heavily on both these past few weeks. We have well-seasoned friendships with people we trust, many of whom are parents themselves, and we’ve called upon those friendships daily during Dana’s birthing time and our time at home. Our tribe continues to support us on both practical and emotional levels, and this support means I have never once felt alone as a new parent. I don’t think our culture talks about this either. We say it’s good to be married and have a stable circumstance, but we never say you should have a conscious network of supportive people around you. Sure, to a certain extent we encourage blood relatives to participate in child-rearing, but often times, this is unhealthy if those relatives are hostile or toxic. My wife’s parents, along with my brother and sister-in-law, have been extraordinarily kind and supportive throughout Dana’s pregnancy and the first few weeks of our daughter’s birth, and I would agree that blood relatives who are happily engaged in the process are ideal caretakers. However, a good friend who loves the new child and serves that child cheerfully is much better than a relative who brings negativity.


3. I have a new subcultural identity. Whereas in my day I have experimented with various subcultural scenes, I now find myself in the urban parenting subculture. We have special events with behavior codes outside of the norm (poop talk). We recognize each other by wearing certain uniforms (Ergo carriers and coffee cups). We use inside slang (“boppy”, “blowout”, “tummy time”). It’s pretty great because, like other subcultures, there’s wisdom and history to be had there, not to mention tribal identity.


4. My child and my friends’ children make me hopeful about the future. I’ve enjoyed time with my friends’ children so much. I’ve found them funny, innovative, and well cultured². I know that these children have the potential to make the world a much brighter place, and I’m excited to work together with them!


5. A healthy child is the greatest treasure I could ask for. When I walk down the street with my daughter wrapped snugly to my chest, people stop and stare, often starting conversations with me about her. Cars stop to let me cross and people hold doors for me. Everyone sincerely congratulates us on having a healthy baby, and many people really open themselves to sharing our joy. It’s encouraging to see people around me valuing this being as much as I do. Intellectually, I know we’re just attracted to cute babies for evolutionary reasons, but I still like people showering my baby with love and kisses and cuddles.

Overall, I couldn't be more excited to be at this phase of our lives. I have barely a clue what comes next, but I’m curious about all of it, especially about who this little person really is. She’s already shown a really positive response to music. In fact, as I write this, she’s asleep in her room with some of Dana’s massage therapy music on in the background. She’ll sometimes sleep a solid 3 hours like this, which these days is a huge treat. She also stopped stopped crying when I played Limp Bizkit for her the other day (What? I was experimenting!), so I know it’s not just the mellow music she responds to. A good friend told me it’s like we get a little sliver of their personality every day, and it eventually all adds up. Like anything, I’m sure there’ll be good days and bad days, but the experience of paternity leave has been quite fulfilling and life-affirming. I wonder what comes next...



1. I am sure that formula feeding brings its own set of challenges, and I am sure those moms are heroes as well. Breastfeeding was right for our family, so it’s the only experience to which I can speak.

2. I understand having the opportunity to be exposed to quality culture is an expression of class privilege. I believe it is a facet of class privilege which, like education, can be used in a benevolent and compassionate manner. Therefore I believe parents who have the opportunity to give their children good education and culture should do so, and teach them how to turn around and use that privilege for the good of their community.